The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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