So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
