Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
