I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
