Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
