K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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