Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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