i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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