And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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