I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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