Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
