The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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