When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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