I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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