Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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