I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
