The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
