Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
