I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
