Tell her she can't have a vagina
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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