I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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