If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
