tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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