If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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