Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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