Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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