I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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