you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
