On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Randomize
