I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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