Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
