if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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