i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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