May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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