You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
