Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
