Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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