Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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