my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
