I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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