I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
