she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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