U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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