can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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