Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
