Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
