i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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