Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
