One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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