Your mouth is God's brothel.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize