I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
