Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
