im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
