roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
