Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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