dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
