I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize