note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
