Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
